Cinematig

In the mood for an evening of humour, schadenfreude, gloriously stupid jokes and flying blood? Head to the Weaze. In the mood for B-movies? After the aforementioned visit, ask your mum to drop you off at Pathé for an evening of unapologetic cult cinema.

Four times is apparently the charm, at least according to Cinematig’s severely limited vocabulary, and so the pink-turtlenecked film collective reluctantly returns to the Noordelijk Film Festival for the fourth time. The ‘lovely’ lads are once again bringing you a full evening of loudness, dick-based entertainment and terrible jokes.

Under no circumstances should you expect highbrow arthouse cinema. Do expect awkwardness (from the lads themselves, but definitely from the audience too. We see you, Herman), mediocre improvisation, dark creatures (sorry: Anton, editor’s note) and forked tongues (belonging to both the Cinematig lads and the audience).After this jam-packed evening, you can retreat to the safety of the next family birthday and proudly point your three Letterboxd followers towards some obscure new gems.

Crash Course in Cult
Kicking things off, the lads will tackle this year’s Noordelijk Film Festival theme in a, for once, properly prepared school presentation. Topics include B-movies, corpulence, their first shared cinematic orgasm, and the Oxford comma. Confucius once said that the journey is more important than the destination. The lads of Cinematig say: WRONG. Why? They’ll explain in The Story™ of the personal journey the Cinematig lads have taken together. And if that one serious sentence hasn’t sold you on the whole thing, we promise Richard will show more clips this year than he spends time talking.

New Film Programme
Obviously, the Cinemand programme features at least five (probably eight) little cinematic gems, from blood-soaked, terrifying action to gloriously hilarious horror. From Scandinavian folklore to a Scandinavian night full of umph, there are plenty of boxes for the Noordelijk Film Festival crowd to tick, ensuring that Cinematig has at least something  vaguely resembling a legitimate reason to be here. Few brain cells left, desperately trying to make contact with one another in the dark void between your ears? Excellent. The feature film of the evening will be a magnificent piece of cinema that is guaranteed to give your final remaining neurons a good kicking. Never before screened in the Netherlands (and probably for good fucking reason), we’re bringing you a cult classic in the making, packed with bodily fluids and flying limbs.

Very understandably, this many films can take quite a toll on the human body. That’s why the programme includes several intermissions featuring visually appealing ladies (and gentlemen), music and deeply questionable commercials. Venturing outside our odorama is another option, allowing you to get some fresh air and cleanse the lingering aura of your neighbour’s stench from your chakras. A true Cinematig regular, of course, does this during the feature film.

Enjoy our Bierservice™
Reeling from all this cinematic violence, you’re naturally going to need something that kills your senses even further. Fear not. Cinematig is bringing its patented Bierservice™ back to the Noordelijk

Film Festival. The concept is simple: raise your hand during the film and a Cinematig employee (wearing a pink turtleneck) will sigh deeply and ‘run’ over to you to place a cold one* in your hand. All you have to do is hand over a coupon. If you can read this, I’m forced to translate this against my will. Please tell my kids that I love them, except Pieter. Your intellect fucked off to the land of Korsakov a long time ago, so was the explanation above just a little too complicated? No worries. Cinematig has made a special instructional animation to make the whole thing painfully clear.

*People ordering ginger tea will be asked to leave the premises.

How Cinematig Film Festival came to be
A group of film friends who have been watching movies together for years, Cinematig occasionally makes the questionable decision to inflict that experience on the public. All duties are handled by four ‘gezellige’ men in pink turtlenecks, from selecting the films, writing this text and designing the promotional material, to manufacturing the infamous Cinematig film award (The B’s Knees) and staffing the bar. Re-emerging from the semi-successful editions of 2023 and 2024 (we’ll conveniently forget about 2025), a brutal winter hibernation, diabetes and an intimate evening with a moose, the lads have now crawled heavily (and heavily breathing) back out of their hole to once again help the generous hosts of the NoFF put on a fantastic evening of B-movies.

Don’t worry, there’s just one small matter of housekeeping: buy a ticket for the evening and you’ll automatically be added to Cinematig’s mailing list, meaning that at various unspecified points throughout the year, you can look forward to receiving an email from the aforementioned substantial gentlemen.